She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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