woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
