Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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