He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He shit in the fireplace
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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