I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I smell like Dick and happiness
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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