By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
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an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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