the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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