FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
