Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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