I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found puke in my bra..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
