I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
