Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
