textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
