Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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