i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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