I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
