Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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