Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
