Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
