mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
