I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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