I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were trust falling into bushes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
