i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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