He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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