weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
