Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
