ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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