Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
