I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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