I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
