News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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