Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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