we have officially lost it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
