how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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