Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
