Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
