It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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