How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
