im six kinds of drunk right now
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
