They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
