I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
