My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
