No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
