I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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