Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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