Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
