I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
