Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
