I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
