just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
