As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
