Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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