Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
