Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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