Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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